To 2018
I always thought of myself as air. Floaty. Easily detached. Quick on my feet.
But this year has swept me down like water. Ocean deep thunderstorms, taking my breathe away and turning it into hurricanes. But still crashing soflty on the shore like waves. 2018 took me down the sea into a riverside where salt water meets the sweet one. It throw me at the river flow until I was crashing down on a waterfall.
That is to say, my keyword along this year was change.
I had very few years that I remember changing that much, both for good and for bad.
I started the year trying to delay my college graduation, wanting to mend it to a masters degree, started doing yoga and finding myself healthy, started ruminating on the idea that I could actually be autistic and not just anxious.
I feel like more than one year has passed since January.
I'm ending the year making the master's degree a project for a long term future, dedicating myself to something I've never taken interest before, that's landscaping. I'm ending the year graduated from college. Ending the year having done my first surgery in life, that resulted in months without being able to move properly. Ending the year with a firm asperger diagnoses.
It's still a long path ahead. At age 26, I feel like things are only starting to take some shape in my life (maybe they'll never really take one), but I'm getting used to how life is an endless changing stream, like water, never suspended, never truly quiet and never truly predictable.
On the bad side of things, there was some serious struggles. I was really invested in making to masters and phd but didn't really had a theme or a project defined. I was absolutely insecure about my knowledge and about my social skills, required to make it in such career.
I lost three cats, all of them due to cancer, and even tho I'm used to being around pets and knowing they'll live less it's always difficult to see them going slowly into just a shadow of what they once were.
I lost a parent which whom I didn't really had a good relationship. It's pretty complicated losing someone who has been abusive to you all of your life. It's a mix of guilt for not trying to make that relationship happen even tho you know it couldn't happen and a relieved sadness, a resignation to what was done and what has passed.
I figured I never really talked or stopped to think about this abuse, to think about what it has done to me. I've always struggled with my feelings and it was not different with it, I'm still not sure what I feel about that, and what that says about me.
At the same time, the child that I was once, that craved for a good relationship and recognition from it's parents died a little. Death doesn't leave any second chances, death doesn't leave any strings behind.
Death has been quite a protagonist in this year's show.
I though I was going to die, I had a problem with this small little ball and had to do a biopsy of it, when the doctor cutted me open and saw it he said it was really bad and much deeper than what it seemed, he said cancer was a real option for the cause. I had to wait a month for the results, that month almost killed me, I didn't knew what to think, how to prepare myself to both good and bad options.
The way I got after the surgery didn't help. I discovered days after, when my body began to burn and my skin itched and I got full of red marks that I was allergic to the antibiotics the doctor prescribed for recovery. It got me into a mess of having to take more and more meds and the stitches seemed to never heal. I thought the results would logically be the worst.
They weren't, and I'm really grateful for it. I still have to look out for a chronical infection but at least I knew I didn't had to turn to even more aggressive treatments. The stitches never healed, and I had to do them again and I had to go to the doctor every day for two months so it created skin.
It's a hell of a scar, but I'm glad I got rid of the doubt.
I learned I don't really mind my scars, not the one in my neck, not the one in my finger, not the one in my leg, not the new one in my belly.
I learned a lot about me this year, with help from therapy and out of therapy too. I always knew that I was kinda of tough and this year I used a lot of inner strength to keep myself together. But I'm still deeply flawed and deeply fragile. I learned that blocking out my emotions makes them come out as physical diseases, but I still have to work a lot to be ok with sharing them, with sharing myself without fear, without regretting it.
Like I said before, I still have a long way to go.
On the bright side, lots of things happened that made me thankful.
It wasn't a good year, but like every other bad time in our lives, there's small things to keep us going.
I traveled to different states for the first time in life. And it was really difficult dealing with my highly anxious autistic brain in a place where you can't plan everything, but I managed, and I'm proud of myself for that. I saw my friends, I got out with my partner, and I enjoyed knowing other places.
I graduated with good scores. Being in the "best" university of Brazil while not having previous knowledge from a high class paid school wasn't easy, too. I learned a lot, but I hurt myself and my self steem a lot in the process too. I don't really feel like I have a good intelectual self steem yet but I managed to get graduated in a normal amount of time with all good grades so maybe I need to learn to not put myself down so much when it comes to understanding about what I studied.
I took of my father's old business. He had abandoned the landscape design for some years, and the flower shop is still basically non existent yet, but I'm doing my best to make it flourish, like flowers are supposed to do. It's not easy to deal with something I never studied in my life, something an abusive parent let for me after death, sometimes I question if it's alright for me to be doing this, but is the best option I have on the moment, and like that, I keep moving.
Today is the last day of this year.
As I'm writing this, there's two hours left to go to 2019. I don't usually put a lot of though into new year, I often think of it as a social construct made by humanity to control the fragility of time and our frail powers over nature. But I'm starting to do it and I'm glad I'm here to watch our planet do one more round circle around the sun.
For 2019, and that symbolic turn of clocks and pages of calendars that will happen tonight, I want to start working on myself, on letting things out, in being more of myself, and that's why I'm publishing this post here.
I thought about keeping it locked but I feel like it's time for me to accept that putting myself out there isn't the worst, isn't making me fragile, but keeping everything in is.
In this year, I want to look out for myself, not with pity, not with absolute acceptance (theres need to be critic with yourself in order to strive being a better person), but with compassion.
I want to see myself as a human and embrace myself like I wish someone else had embraced me in the past. I want to wrap my own arms around me like water, fill in the void that only I have access to.
I want to continue to be strong and always learn new things but not throw myself out in the process, to know myself, to drown in me like I drowned in water this year.
I want to get to know the ocean and the air that keeps moving hurricanes and crashes softly on shores.
I want to get to know the people I love more, without faking myself, without overdoing myself.
I want people to respect themselves and in turn respect others.
I want us all to come down as rain and pick ourselves up like clouds, to drip down on a sea and flow until we find sweet and calm tides, to accept that like water, there's nothing predictable about life, and that is okay to have furious streams and soft tides rolling beside grass.
Like water, we all can adapt, we all can flow and find new reasons to keep moving everyday.
Happy new year.
But this year has swept me down like water. Ocean deep thunderstorms, taking my breathe away and turning it into hurricanes. But still crashing soflty on the shore like waves. 2018 took me down the sea into a riverside where salt water meets the sweet one. It throw me at the river flow until I was crashing down on a waterfall.
That is to say, my keyword along this year was change.
I had very few years that I remember changing that much, both for good and for bad.
I started the year trying to delay my college graduation, wanting to mend it to a masters degree, started doing yoga and finding myself healthy, started ruminating on the idea that I could actually be autistic and not just anxious.
I feel like more than one year has passed since January.
I'm ending the year making the master's degree a project for a long term future, dedicating myself to something I've never taken interest before, that's landscaping. I'm ending the year graduated from college. Ending the year having done my first surgery in life, that resulted in months without being able to move properly. Ending the year with a firm asperger diagnoses.
It's still a long path ahead. At age 26, I feel like things are only starting to take some shape in my life (maybe they'll never really take one), but I'm getting used to how life is an endless changing stream, like water, never suspended, never truly quiet and never truly predictable.
On the bad side of things, there was some serious struggles. I was really invested in making to masters and phd but didn't really had a theme or a project defined. I was absolutely insecure about my knowledge and about my social skills, required to make it in such career.
I lost three cats, all of them due to cancer, and even tho I'm used to being around pets and knowing they'll live less it's always difficult to see them going slowly into just a shadow of what they once were.
I lost a parent which whom I didn't really had a good relationship. It's pretty complicated losing someone who has been abusive to you all of your life. It's a mix of guilt for not trying to make that relationship happen even tho you know it couldn't happen and a relieved sadness, a resignation to what was done and what has passed.
I figured I never really talked or stopped to think about this abuse, to think about what it has done to me. I've always struggled with my feelings and it was not different with it, I'm still not sure what I feel about that, and what that says about me.
At the same time, the child that I was once, that craved for a good relationship and recognition from it's parents died a little. Death doesn't leave any second chances, death doesn't leave any strings behind.
Death has been quite a protagonist in this year's show.
I though I was going to die, I had a problem with this small little ball and had to do a biopsy of it, when the doctor cutted me open and saw it he said it was really bad and much deeper than what it seemed, he said cancer was a real option for the cause. I had to wait a month for the results, that month almost killed me, I didn't knew what to think, how to prepare myself to both good and bad options.
The way I got after the surgery didn't help. I discovered days after, when my body began to burn and my skin itched and I got full of red marks that I was allergic to the antibiotics the doctor prescribed for recovery. It got me into a mess of having to take more and more meds and the stitches seemed to never heal. I thought the results would logically be the worst.
They weren't, and I'm really grateful for it. I still have to look out for a chronical infection but at least I knew I didn't had to turn to even more aggressive treatments. The stitches never healed, and I had to do them again and I had to go to the doctor every day for two months so it created skin.
It's a hell of a scar, but I'm glad I got rid of the doubt.
I learned I don't really mind my scars, not the one in my neck, not the one in my finger, not the one in my leg, not the new one in my belly.
I learned a lot about me this year, with help from therapy and out of therapy too. I always knew that I was kinda of tough and this year I used a lot of inner strength to keep myself together. But I'm still deeply flawed and deeply fragile. I learned that blocking out my emotions makes them come out as physical diseases, but I still have to work a lot to be ok with sharing them, with sharing myself without fear, without regretting it.
Like I said before, I still have a long way to go.
On the bright side, lots of things happened that made me thankful.
It wasn't a good year, but like every other bad time in our lives, there's small things to keep us going.
I traveled to different states for the first time in life. And it was really difficult dealing with my highly anxious autistic brain in a place where you can't plan everything, but I managed, and I'm proud of myself for that. I saw my friends, I got out with my partner, and I enjoyed knowing other places.
I graduated with good scores. Being in the "best" university of Brazil while not having previous knowledge from a high class paid school wasn't easy, too. I learned a lot, but I hurt myself and my self steem a lot in the process too. I don't really feel like I have a good intelectual self steem yet but I managed to get graduated in a normal amount of time with all good grades so maybe I need to learn to not put myself down so much when it comes to understanding about what I studied.
I took of my father's old business. He had abandoned the landscape design for some years, and the flower shop is still basically non existent yet, but I'm doing my best to make it flourish, like flowers are supposed to do. It's not easy to deal with something I never studied in my life, something an abusive parent let for me after death, sometimes I question if it's alright for me to be doing this, but is the best option I have on the moment, and like that, I keep moving.
Today is the last day of this year.
As I'm writing this, there's two hours left to go to 2019. I don't usually put a lot of though into new year, I often think of it as a social construct made by humanity to control the fragility of time and our frail powers over nature. But I'm starting to do it and I'm glad I'm here to watch our planet do one more round circle around the sun.
For 2019, and that symbolic turn of clocks and pages of calendars that will happen tonight, I want to start working on myself, on letting things out, in being more of myself, and that's why I'm publishing this post here.
I thought about keeping it locked but I feel like it's time for me to accept that putting myself out there isn't the worst, isn't making me fragile, but keeping everything in is.
In this year, I want to look out for myself, not with pity, not with absolute acceptance (theres need to be critic with yourself in order to strive being a better person), but with compassion.
I want to see myself as a human and embrace myself like I wish someone else had embraced me in the past. I want to wrap my own arms around me like water, fill in the void that only I have access to.
I want to continue to be strong and always learn new things but not throw myself out in the process, to know myself, to drown in me like I drowned in water this year.
I want to get to know the ocean and the air that keeps moving hurricanes and crashes softly on shores.
I want to get to know the people I love more, without faking myself, without overdoing myself.
I want people to respect themselves and in turn respect others.
I want us all to come down as rain and pick ourselves up like clouds, to drip down on a sea and flow until we find sweet and calm tides, to accept that like water, there's nothing predictable about life, and that is okay to have furious streams and soft tides rolling beside grass.
Like water, we all can adapt, we all can flow and find new reasons to keep moving everyday.
Happy new year.
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